Grief in fandom is not a topic that’s been easy for either of us to write about, nor has it been a topic we’ve been eager to approach, but it’s something that we have a lot of experience in, both through fandom and on a personal level.

At the time we are writing this, K-pop fans are currently mourning another unfathomable loss, the passing of ASTRO’s Moonbin, and this feeling of collective grief is unfortunately familiar to us as longtime fans of SHINee. The 2017 passing of Jonghyun affected us both incredibly deeply and we still feel the reverberations of that grief every day as we continue in fandom.  In the space of seven months that year, we personally experienced grieving the losses of Chris Cornell of Soundgarden (who we are also fans of) and Jonghyun online – from learning the news in real time and then processing that grief publicly. It was a painful experience that was exacerbated by the relentless pace of social media. 

Grief is complicated and emotionally messy, each path of grief is personal and it’s different for everyone. One of us (K.) expressed our grief publicly and found comfort in connection with other Shawols, while the other (R.) needed time away from fandom completely in order to heal. 

While social media and online culture can be a comfort for many of us, it can also be a space where emotional wounds can be reopened, and cause more trauma than healing when it comes to grief. We wanted to share our thoughts about how grieving fans can best protect themselves and their mental health online during this time.

What You Can Do Now

First off, we both suggest disengaging from online discourse as much as possible.  Social media algorithms are not your friends – traumatic images and triggering hot takes are more likely to surface and go viral during this time. We recommend either logging out completely or muting news and viral intensive/ clickbait pop culture accounts. If you are highly sensitive, consider having a irl friend help you set up temporary blocks. 

Reminder that no matter how long you spend off of social media and newssites, you will see something that you don’t want to see or read, something that may be inaccurate or deeply hurtful. Decide when you will be ready to confront those images and words for yourself.

If you do want to engage with other fans, we also recommend creating a small, closed online group chat or forum of trusted people that you can communicate with without having to log into any social media accounts. 

If you must listen or watch, we recommend logging into platforms like YouTube on private or viewing while logged out of your personal account so that your viewing history isn’t being logged. If you are going to listen to music or watch videos, consider listening in ways that aren’t going to put content in your feed bubbling up that would be hurtful, such as physical media or paid music services.

Mute and block trolls and “vultures”. It’s hard to hear and experience but there are some people online who take pleasure in making insensitive and triggering remarks in order to hurt grieving fans. In some cases they go out of their way to find people who are publicly grieving. K. in particular wasted a lot of time in 2017/2018 fighting with trolls and rising to their bait, and regrets doing so because it only ended up hurting her more. 

We also recommend taking time offline completely to talk to irl/offline friends, but we also know that many times folks outside of fan spaces can be insensitive to your grief or not completely understand. If there are local groups connected to your fan community, meeting in person with fellow fans during this time can be incredibly comforting for some. 

If you see a mental health professional, we recommend talking to them about your feelings. As fans, we may struggle with the question of whether we deserve to mourn those that we don’t know in real life, but the connection we feel to the art they’ve created is real, and grieving that loss is valid. A mental health professional can help.

Likewise, please remember that you are not obligated to perform your grief publicly for anyone, not even others in your fandom. If you are not in an emotional space to share your feelings, that’s valid. Social media and online fandom culture often compels people to share instant reactions at all times, but as we’ve said before, every grief journey is different and it’s far from linear. Protect yourself, and your journey.

What To Do Later

If you’re finding listening to music/watching content connected to the issue too painful we recommend “counterprogramming” with music/TV that you don’t normally watch. Everyone is different when it comes to how they approach this issue. Some people find comfort in immersing themselves in the work of the person they are grieving, others are too heartbroken to do so. If you do watch or listen, don’t do so on algorithm based platforms that are going to put heartbreaking content in your feed as you are trying to celebrate the life and artistry of your artist.

There’s no right or wrong way to grieve but if you are finding engaging with those memories too painful, please know that it’s ok to take a step away. Also, understand that what may help you cope now may change in the future and you may go through phases where engaging in fandom is easier or harder. That’s normal, too.

Today And In The Future

Please, please be gentle with yourself and with your fellow fans. Give yourself time to heal, and know that it may take longer than feels “normal”.  Fandom is seen as a space for escapism and joy and it may be hard to see others expressing joy while you’re still hurting. It’s very very difficult to confront the pain of grief while consuming content that’s meant to divert you from feeling that pain. But be patient with yourself and understanding of those who may be at a different point in their grief.

Please remember in all of this to respect the privacy and dignity of the real-life friends and loved ones of the artist you are grieving. You may feel a connection to their grief, but it’s still a different journey. Just as you aren’t obligated to share your grief, they also aren’t. 

Please refrain from making demands or sharing inappropriate or prying comments on social media. Also please remember that real people are grieving behind your favorite social media fandom accounts as well, please be sensitive and mindful of your comments. Fans are not owed the grief of others.

Please never share information from suicide notes. These messages are intended for loved ones, not fans. Mental health professionals have warned journalists and the general public how dangerous this messaging can be to those in the midst of mental health struggles. 

During times of mourning, fan communities can truly be a space of healing and love. We cherish our fandom friends and support groups and send tenderness to Arohas and others who are grieving Moonbin. Please know that your grief is valid, and it’s felt deeply.