VO: So after a rather lackluster second half of this season, we’re finally to the finale. Thank heavens. I think y’all can tell how excited (or lack of) we’ve been, given the updates are coming later and later. Some of it is just real life kicking our asses, but some of it is also that the B613 storyline has dragged this season down.
I think that it’s been dragged down by the need to top OMG moment after OMG moment, leaving some of us feeling not as connected to the characters. Maybe it’s the lack of consistency in timelines (seriously, how long was Olivia held hostage for? Did the Scandal timeline split at former president Cooper? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?). Maybe it’s that Rowan doesn’t seem like a real person anymore, but a caricature of an excessively domineering parent. Maybe I just don’t care as much anymore and other things are getting in the way and taking precedence. Whatever the reason, we’re here at the finale and let’s see this sucker out shall we?
Rowan — aka Damascus (apparently this alias had parents that were more hardcore with the location names for babies because they didn’t just do London or Brooklyn — no, they had to go to the Middle East) — is wooing the hell out of Mellie. Obviously Mellie hasn’t seen him around the White House, even though he’s met with Fitz.
KC: You know I used to love the character of Rowan and now he’s just become a cartoon villain. His ridiculous name just reemphasized that for me. I hear that name and was like “seriously dude? Or Shonda? Or whoever came up with that?” I feel like I’m watching a bad comic book movie.
VO: Exactly. I think this is what is pissing me off with Rowan — they can’t let him or the B613 storyline out to pasture, so to keep with the OMG moments he keeps getting more and more ridiculous.
“Set quite an example for my daughter,” I have no idea how to interpret it. It just seems kind of underhanded, which is basically Rowan’s default communication mode.
KC: Yeah was that like a joke for himself or something? Mellie wouldn’t get it. Does he know he’s on a TV show?
VO: I find it interesting that Mellie’s kind of weirded out by him. Perhaps he’s twigging off some survivor thing and that was even before he showed her the blackmail photos. But I also get weirded out by people who are that friendly right off the bat.
KC: Like me!
VO: And now there’s the grand jury testimony and Liv is waffling, but ultimately sticks to her guns. I would pray that it means the end to B613, but I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen.
KC: We already know that B613 won’t go down that easy, Come on now.
VO: A girl can dream. Another reason why I don’t like Fitz — saying someone’s a Muppet like it’s a bad thing. Susan Ross is awesome, even if she is kind of Muppety.
KC: Fuck this guy, he WISHES he could be a Muppet, human turd. You don’t dare insult the Muppets, and being compared to one is a goddamn compliment. Man, I wish I was Olivia, that is totally grounds for breaking up forever.
VO: It wouldn’t be Scandal without a stupid call between Fitz and Olivia would it?
KC: It’s funny because on the Good Wife, we had two other characters (albeit friends) who had a long drawn out situation where they were never in the same room and only talked on the phone. I feel like their phone calls, and eventual (final) reunion had so much more impact that this.
VO: HOLY SHIT HE KILLED ALL THE JURORS? I am honestly thinking everyone is B613 at this point.
I honestly can’t blame David for peaceing out.
KC: I was waiting for him to be like Guillermo Diaz in Half Baked: “Fuck YOU, Fuck YOU (you’re cool) and Fuck YOU, I’m out!”
VO: Currently waiting for Cyrus to have a heart attack now with Mellie’s confession. But I laughed at his “take Susan,” line. Because if it is Mellie and Susan on the ticket, that would be a pretty formidable ticket.
KC: I agree. Though they’d never get along.
VO: Never stopped other President/VP combos. Are they setting it up for Liv to become Command?
HEY MAMA POPE! I love how bored she is between those two. And her calling Olivia vain has me laughing. I think that she’s just been bored for awhile.
KC: Maya is as bored as I am: “Oh this bullshit again?”
VO: It’s also a waste of Khandi Alexander, who is so much better. So wait. Rowan Pope is a ghost?
Good lord, I’m convinced everyone in Scandalverse who is in power has killed someone. No wonder the voters vote like they’re drunk. They’re scared of dying.
KC: You’re not officially a Scandal character till you have a body count.
VO: Weirdly I think Rowan fucked himself up by going to Mellie, because she’s going to tell everyone. And I have a feeling Cyrus now knowing is going to mess with Rowan, because unlike Liv, Cyrus isn’t afraid to go gleefully straight to murder.
KC: Mellie is sneaky and conniving but she doesn’t want to randomly murder innocents.
VO: Seriously — IS EVERYONE IN B613?
Lizzie seriously needs to just go drink her lunch away. And Mellie, don’t tell her everything. Or do, whatever.
KC: Right!? That’s how I feel. “fuck it, do whatever you want, no one is consistent on this show”
VO: Any bets on when the CIA director is gonna bite it? When we’re gonna bite it? Because sooner or later Rowan is gonna run out of people to kill and he’s gonna start coming for us.
KC: I dunno, I find it weird that bloodthirsty Shonda hasn’t killed a major Scandal character yet. She killed Harrison off out of necessity, but if this was Grey’s, half the original cast would be dead by now.
VO: OK. I can get behind this Fitz and Mellie relationship. However, the way he’s doing that speech is going to mess with her poor mind and that just sucks. They’re a great friendship and great partnership, but the romantic love doesn’t really exist anymore.
KC: I hate the way he uses fake affection for Mellie to make himself look better to the public.
VO: It’s just a reminder that Fitz is THE WORST /Jean Ralphio.
Wait — Abby and Leo haven’t moved in together? Judging by how domestic they are at (her?) home, I thought they had moved in together awhile ago.
KC: Same here, I totally thought they were living together already.
VO: Of course Cyrus would threaten Rosen with Abby. Hell, I think he could’ve threatened Liv. Rosen’s just that kind of guy whose loyalty to people trumps a lot of stuff. Just like Liv would sign because of her loyalties and love for her friends.
KC: I hate seeing the way Rosen was used this way. He is the only true white hat on the show. I still don’t care if he dies though.
VO: While I was skeptical in the beginning of this season and when they promised Abby would have better storylines, I have to say that this is one thing that has pleased me about this season. Getting Abby out of OPA changed her and Olivia’s relationship to one of friendship instead of boss-employee, which really, Olivia seriously needed.
KC: Definitely. They took to heart that whole “Liv has no girlfriends” thing. Interesting that they seemed to have retconned Abby and Olivia’s relationship in order to do that. S1 I had no clue they went to school together.
VO: Rowan’s call to Olivia — I really am feeling like Maya when I’m all, “Oh this again?”
KC: He’s just corny now, stop calling and gloating you big drama queen.
VO: Good grief Virgil! He’s like the utility infielder of B613!
Of course Mellie got elected. Because the voters are drunk as hell in the Scandal universe.
KC: After hating her two weeks before. They make voters look like drunk toddlers on this show.
VO: Any bets that Lizzie is gonna be dead in the next 20 minutes?
So wait. If B613 is basically nonexistent, are there a bunch of unemployed secret agents running around now?
KC: I’d watch that show. It could be like Burn Notice but in DC.
VO: With Charlie as the leader, trying to get jobs and get paid. I would watch that also.
I feel robbed by the ending with Eli Pope in jail. It’s not the final showdown between Olivia and her father. It wasn’t a decisive win, but a postponement (which doesn’t surprise me, but disappoints me). Eli/Rowan is going to be out there and brought back every time they feel like they need a threat, so B613 isn’t dead. It’s just in a nice minimum security white-collar prison for three years or so without premium cable and fine red wine.
Quinn is going to want to do what I’ve wanted to do for awhile now with Huck. And if Javi and Kim were held hostage, of course he would kill for them.
KC: But he’d kill them too, if he needed to. That’s why I, like Quinn, call bullshit.
VO: You know what? I don’t get why Fitz is angry at Mellie for what she did — or is it that she didn’t tell him what the hell was going on in the first place. But if anything, that gives her a strong boost and destroys the whole ethics conflict, which may benefit her in the future.
KC: Also he’s a fucking hypocrite. This bitch KILLED VERNA WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
VO: AND SHOT DOWN A PLANE FULL OF INNOCENT PEOPLE. Really, Cyrus deserved that firing. He’s been doing a lot of sneaky, underhanded things so I don’t think he’d be a trustworthy employee.
KC: And they’ve been ineffective sneaky, underhanded things. He’s losing his touch.
VO: I love Cyrus’ smirk though at Lizzie entering and taking over. I suspect he’s already plotting something.
KC: Oh yeah, Lizzie is an amateur. She can’t play this game for the long run, she is not sneaky enough.
VO: Why Olivia keeps taking Fitz back is one of those great mysteries that I will never understand. And how the hell did she sneak onto that balcony? Did she rappel up with wine?
KC:Blame the Olitzers. Fine you got what you wanted, hope you like the ridiculous ways they will try to justify the President moving his side piece into the Oval Office for Season five. Shonda hates happy couples though so maybe she’ll run Fitz over with a semi, McDreamy-style.
VO: So yeah. That was a finale.
KC: If by “a finale” you mean “dumb as all hell” yeah, indeed it was. For me? I am Consciously Uncoupling from Scandal. I’ve got other shows with inconsistent writing where I like the characters more. I’m looking at you, Empire.
VO: LOOK, I CAN DAMN BY FAINT PRAISE. THAT FINALE WAS A JOKE AND NOT EVEN A GOOD ONE MY KID TELLS ME. IT WAS A WET, FLATULENT FART OF A JOKE.
I don’t know if I can do this either. Well, I can to be honest. I have a high tolerance for pain. But I can’t deal with inconsistent writing much anymore, especially when I see shows like Jane the Virgin which are tight and consistent and have wacky OMG moments and great casts (which is why I stuck with Scandal in the first place). Hell, when I’m taking a telenovela drug cartel more seriously than B613, you know something’s gone off the rails in Scandal.