By Taylor Plume.
Disclaimer: I may be guilty of paraphrasing quotes to aid my awful jokes.
We open on shirtless Scott McCall, in the locker room, before lacrosse practice, having a completely appropriate breakdown about how his girlfriend’s father shot him with a crossbow. Never mind the over-protective father trope. Mr. Argent would be gunning for Scotty regardless, and somehow, that makes it worse. Stiles, as always, is there for moral support. And oogling.
The show must go on, so Scott gets out on the field to practice. He’s a bit distracted, for good reason. But coach Finstock is having none of it.
FINSTOCK: My grandmother can move faster than that, and she’s dead. Do you think you can move faster than the lifeless corpse of my dead grandmother? *(Actual quote from the show).
Scotty won’t stand by and let somebody insult his honor. So he plays hard. Rough. And, oops, totally dislocates Jackson’s shoulder and starts to shift in the middle of the field.
Stiles drags him off to the locker room, before anyone sees. But no good deed goes unpunished. Through rabid-wolf eyes, Stiles looks like even more of a tasty treat than usual. Of course, Scott tries to eat him. Stiles only survives by spraying Scott down with a fire extinguisher.
Later that night, Derek ambushes Scott in his own room to yell at him for not being able to control his shifts. Or possibly just to throw him against a wall and smell him. Who can really know these things?
Scotty, perhaps scared of being molested in his sleep by creepy werewolves, goes to talk to the coach. He says something like, ‘hey, maybe it’s not a great idea for me to play in the game on Saturday. I have personal issues cough iturnintoaravenouscreautreofthenightandiamsogonnaeatpeople cough.’ The coach responds by asking if the personal issues have to do with a girl. Or maybe a boy?
FINSTOCK: our goalie Danny is gay. Don’t you think Danny’s a good-looking guy?
SCOTT: yes. Wait. Whut? I’m not a homosexual that is ridunkulous. Well. Maybe there was that one time with Stiles, but we were both v drunk and I—should stop talking.
Point being, in order to defend his claim to heterosexuality, Scott must play in the game. Also some reasons about being cut from first line, and Allison not finding him attractive unless he is top dog (HA). Moving on.
Remember the jacket that Derek stole from Allison last episode? Well, she finds it in her locker. Scott sees it and is rightfully creeped the fuck out. He goes to confront Grumpy McEyebrows about how stalking in general is bad, but it’s especially not cool to stalk my girlfriend, were you raised in a barn? Derek responds with his trademark brand of unhelpfulness.
DEREK: Scottie you can’t play in the sports match or I will kill you. This threat seems like a much more effective way to keep your lycanthropy under wraps than teaching you how to control your shifts. I am good at social interaction. Become the fear, Derek. Don’t let them see you cry.
Scott storms off in a fit of rage. But not before he sees some freshly-turned earth right next to Derek’s house, and gets a whiff of dead body.
Cue team ‘Skittles: Master Detectives.’ Scott and Stiles first go to the hospital, where Scotty breaks into the morgue to sniff some dead people, because that is a normal thing to do. No part of this show is about necrophilia. Where are you getting that from? Once Scott’s established that the half a Jane Doe in the freezer has the same special corpse smell he encountered earlier, he and Stiles drive up to Derek’s house in the middle of the night. They start digging for the other half of the body.
They dig up the body and OH SHIT THAT IS HALF A WOLF. Stiles notices a pretty purple flower, AKA wolfsbane. He pulls it up, and once he does that, the body magically shifts back into a girl. Weird stuff.
Stiles calls his dad, and the next day the sheriff comes to arrest Grumpy McEyebrows, which makes him extra grumpy. The Sheriff is also grumpy, because Stiles lied about Scott not being with him in the woods when they went looking for the half a dead body the first time. He will be slow to realize that his son is a manipulative little shit. It may be for the best.
Scott and Stiles drive away from the scene of the arrest, and Scott starts having a freak out, because Stiles kept the wolfsbane in his car. Scott, in his werewolfy daze, runs to Allison’s house to climb across her roof like a weirdo. He falls, just in time to get run over by Papa Argent. Everyone seems surprisingly okay with the fact that Scott survived being mowed down, and sustained zero injuries. No questions asked. There is no logic in this place.
Scott lumbers off to play the lacrosse game. He’s a good puppy. Until he sees Allison helping Lydia hold up a ‘we love Jackson’ sign. Then all bets are off. He goes wolfy. He even growls at another player hard enough that they pass him the ball, despite being on the opposing team. Scott makes a heroic final shot at the last second, then promptly has to run away from the adoring crowd because he’s got full on claws and teeth, and he’d rather not be chased with torches and pitchforks.
Allison follows him, into the boy’s locker room (the naughty minx). Scott does not maul her, in the conventional sense. Because the power of love helps him shift back to human. Then they totally make out, surrounded by the ripe, romantic smell of locker room sweat while Stiles watches like a creep.
And that, dear comrades, is where we leave off… UNTIL NEXT WEEK.