VO: You know, if you’re a paranoid dude, parking your car in abandoned lots is probably not the smartest idea in the world, Jake. And of course Papa Pope would try and make a move.
KC: He’s slipping.
VO: HOLY SHIT. OLIVIA POPE IS EATING FOOD. AND RED WINE.
KC: This may be the first time in Scandal history she’s eaten food. Jake’s magical sexing works WONDERS.
VO: Of course Jake wouldn’t mention a damn thing about her dad. He knows he’s on the back burner and for some reason he’s just fine with it.
KC: So much about Jake still bothers me. Like what he’s really about. I still don’t trust him. But he’s still better than Fitz.
VO: Oh look. It’s every nightmare party I’ve been to where I ended up in the coat room sleeping because I didn’t like people.
And of course the president’s daughter would be a party freak.
KC: The worst kind of party freak. The sad destructive party freak, and they are never actually fun.
VO:We cut to Cyrus and his boytoy in bed. At least his hair has calmed down a bit.
KC: I’ve decided he’s weird looking. Also I wonder if this is gonna be a weird “Pretty Woman” thing only with blackmail and murder and stuff.
VO: Niiiice use of Prince and Controversy.
KC: Finally appropriate too! But straight up though, if that’s the “dirtiest video she’s ever seen in her entire life” she’s more prudish than she implies.
VO: I know right? I mean, I was all “That’s it? That’s like porn basic 101 threesome dude-bro bullshit stuff. That’s not that nasty.” I can’t help but wonder now if the two guys also did the high-five to make the point in the Eiffel Tower.
Karen…Karen….Karen…she’s more like the Bush daughters than Sasha and Malia.
KC: MICHELLE WOULD NOT ALLOW THAT SHIT.
VO: OOOH NOW YOU START TRYING TO BE A GOOD PARENT FITZ? Where were you when your kids were kids? You’re supposed to give them a good background and foundation to make wise choices, not just shuttle them off.
THANK YOU FOR THE WHOLE EVERY GIRL IS SOMEONE’S DAUGHTER.
KC: Fitz likes to play the avoidance card. With EVERYONE. He only gives Liv attention because he wants her. And he almost called her a “slut.” He is the worst and at least Olivia gets her shit together to call him (and herself) out eventually.
VO: Good lord, the puppy eyes Fitz makes to Olivia. It’s just….ugh now.
KC: It was always ugh, there was just a point that we didn’t realise how much of a waste of space Fitz was. I will never root for Olivia as long she falls for this joker.
VO: Abby’s expression of “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” is cracking me up. Oh Abby, I feel your pain and anger and the fidgeting frustrating anger. And Cyrus’ “you are not Olivia Pope” speech is both good and condescending at the same time.
KC: Abby is the Jan Brady of Scandal. And Cy is right. This is about Abby’s simmering jealousy and need to get out of Olivia’s shadow. I am really glad they are doing this storyline BTW, I like Abby in the White House and I think she’s gonna pull a Sith lord move and eventually kill her master in order to replace him. Not literally. I think.
VO: WHY THE FUCK DID THEY NOT TELL MELLIE? If I was her mother and my husband did that? I WOULD RAIN HELL DOWN UPON MY HUSBAND FOR NOT TELLING MY KID.
Papa Pope and Secret Agent Tom going on at the bench of woe and Tom’s gonna have to start thinking of new angles pretty damn soon I suspect.
KC: Tom betrayed us all. WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU TOM!!! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!!!
VO: How the hell does Jake wander in not even before the bench got cold after Papa Pope leaves?
KC: Like literally 2 seconds after. And no one notices?
VO: Oh really Fitz? We’re gonna have this talk about running away and burying oneself in work? During the time that your kid is acting off. And she doesn’t owe you a damn thing given that she’s NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND. And Maya did not ruin those two. THEY RUINED THOSE TWO. Because Fitz is the worst.
KC: Fitz will never actually take responsibility for himself and his actions without acting like a martyr.
VO: “Attorney General Rosen I have to ask what your secret?” “BLACKMAIL!”
KC: AND PANTENE!
VO:Dude, I would’ve set those files on fire, but that’s just me. And B613 doesn’t have copies of files? Who the hell runs the IT structure here? Morons?
KC: Why is that shit in print? I would have been had coffee and chinese food stains all over them by now.
VO: MELLIE AND OLIVIA. I wish Olivia would tell her what’s going on, because seriously, I would commit murder. And Fitz’s speech makes me want to hit him. Like he was around being a good father during the mourning.
KC: I did love Mellie’s crazy screaming OLIVIAAAAAAAA! Because it was weirdly angry, but … not. I can’t explain it. They have such a weird dynamic. Fitz is absolutely one of the worst human beings ever. He’s been nothing but cruel to Mellie, even after everything he knows. I hope she kills him.
VO: Quinn really isn’t subtle is she when shaking down information?
And she’s like seriously high on danger.
KC: I like Quinn a lot more now but she’s still pretty awkward.
VO: Quinn’s always been awkward. It’s just one of her things, but I’ve always been fine with that. “How much for a sex tape?” I am laughing in a sick, sick fashion. I agree with Luvvie — that tape is probably copied already and it’s probably leaked.
KC: In the real world? Hell yeah.
VO: Also, I’d like to point out to Olivia Alice Roosevelt and how rowdy she was.
Dude, you’re dealing with the kids, do not be talking about sex right now. I’m currently staring at the TV horrified and grossed out.
Of course she went with Jake. And you are failing as a man because YOU ARE THE WORST.
KC: He’s failing as a human being. and i hate the way he does that tiny violin whenever he has to make a hard decision. “heavy is the head that wears the crown” OH SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE MAN BABY YOU WANTED THIS.
VO: Seriously I would just IRS put the squeeze on them and blackmail the fuck out of them by asking a favor with B613. Or where is Charlie? Can’t he just do a quick job?
KC: I miss Charlie when he was just a hired murderer who loved his job.
VO: That Charlie was my favorite Charlie. And once kids come into a marriage, you’re a partnership whether you like it or not, to be blunt Fitz. This is kind of the thing of parenting — you have to consult the other parent in this deal.
KC: Yeah but you are talking about Fitz.
VO: Finally Olivia pulls out the smarts about the child pornographers. Because if they do release the tape, they are child pornographers and should get charged for it. And she has a point about it because they are kids experimenting and the parents giving into their darker instincts and exploiting it. They’re the fucking adults and are supposed to be showing good judgment.
KC: This is the most Olivia Pope I’ve seen her in seasons. I miss this Olivia and want to see her back but as long as she is dickmatized by stupid Fitz she will never be free.
VO: I miss this Olivia Pope a lot. Because that seems more like her father’s daughter than the dickmatized Olivia Pope.
Mellie fucked up earlier, but that speech to her daughter was awesome. We all fuck up with our mourning, but at least Mellie finally came out of it.I wonder if this season is kind of also undoing all the shit that happened while everyone was morning and getting houses back in order.
KC: Oh Mellie and Karen. At least they have each other. Mellie’s not a perfect mom but she is a fucking mom. She’s there and not trying to make out with people in the Oval Office rather than dealing with her grief. I don’t know if she is out of her grief but she is more clear eyed and aware of her situation. And Mellie’s non-judgmental lecture was great, like 21st Century southern belle. Honestly Melle and Karen’s grieving makes more sense to me than Fitz.
VO: I should pause a moment and give some heavy props for Mellie’s speech, because that was everything Fitz’s speech wasn’t nor some of the things that Olivia told Fitz earlier. It wasn’t judgmental, but there was an acknowledgement of how fucked up the gender dynamics are and what you have to do as a public figure. I loved that Mellie basically said what I’d say to my kid, “I’m your mom, so I’m having a seizure on the inside right now….” and she read her daughter’s emotions better than Fitz did in this. I know I went off last week about shitty parents and while I feel like everyone on this show is a terrible parent in one way or another, I feel like at least Mellie tries to be a good parent without wanting a cookie for it — she might not be good with babies, but some parents aren’t. Some parents deal better when their kids are older and you can talk to them. And stuff like this makes me think she gets her daughter and her frustration more than Fitz ever will.
Why am I not surprised that Tom Larsen is pretty much a dead man, which is poor for that actor. I guess we’re going to lose another person for the Office version of Scandal.
KC: I bet the actor’s got a pilot somewhere else. I’ll miss him but, there’s nowhere else for the character to go.
VO: And naming Jake? Of course Tom would. I mean, if you had Command standing right there, what would you do?
KC: Outside of pee my pants? Yeah that.