As we get closer to the final episodes of this truncated season, this Scandal Chat includes the weirdest tangent in TLF history.
VO: Oh hell, Abby comes in looking like Olivia with the white trench and the big ass handbag. Do they all own the same trench coat. And Abby sure as hell isn’t able to handle these people because honestly, she doesn’t know who they are and how their personalities work. Methinks that Olivia was stretching herself way too thin with the B613 mission and A RE-ELECTION.
KC: Also, seriously. It’s not like they have enough clients for Abby to have much experience to run a client meeting on her own. Like just that one time with Senator Phoebe. Though straight up, I would totally work for OPA if it means I get a white trench.
VO: I think that they’re part of the company package along with health benefits.
Olivia trying to extract a promise out of her dad. Reminds me of Dungeons and Dragons when you’re trying to make a wish with a genie — you gotta watch your backs when you make those wishes. And pay attention to his wording. “I won’t touch a hair on his head.” And the money siphoning thing seems like something they took from Office Space. but that’s just me.
KC: So apparently B613 is run in the same way Comcast runs cable, the money stops coming in and they shut it off.
VO: Trust Huck in this case Olivia. I’m just saying that he’s smarter than you in this case and I think that we all know that Rowan wants vengeance for getting kicked out and probably also to get Fitz killed for messing with his baby girl. In which case, I’ll admit to being Team Rowan in this case.
KC: Huck is cray but he knows how B613 works, I am starting to think that Rowan and Maya are totes working together deep undercover. And I am team Anyone Who Kills Fitz
VO: Poor Andrew and Mellie. I’d say those both need to run like hell and dump Fitz.
KC: I was sooooooo hoping Andrew was going to choose Mellie because I wanted to see Liv’s head explode at the idea that a guy could actually choose love over power.
VO: AND NOW ALL THE SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN. I love Jeanne Locke’s double entendres. I think that she’s milking it for what it’s worth and I love her for it. Reston is just a fucking fuckstick.
KC: AS WELL SHE SHOULD.
VO: And we all know it’s not a baguette. It’s probably one of those Pepperidge Farm’s breadsticks.
KC: Fitz having a majestic wang is ONLY reason I can think of that any woman has put up with him for this long.
VO: Now, now, you saw his implied oral skills with Olivia and his bragging about how she tastes and shit. He’s gotta have some decent tongue action going. laughs evilly SLEEP WELL WITH THAT ONE!
Good grief Fitz is acting like a baby with Nelson. And finally, FINALLY Olivia gives him the read he deserves. I feel like we’re finally seeing a glimpse of the old Olivia, except the loving schmoopy angst stuff is just um….gross. Relationships end Olivia. But at least it seems like she has an accurate picture of what’s going on. But Fitz’s whole thing of “I’m not a bad guy” makes me laugh hard, because he could just walk away, with or without her instead of trying to make everyone happy at once.
KC: Fitz straight up had a baby-ass tantrum re: Mellie and Andrew. I was embarrassed for Tony Goldwyn that he had to act like such a little man-child. We are way past the point of Fitz acting like anything but a little fuckwit and I swear I don’t see anything for Olitz fans to hold on to here. They either need to break up for good or he needs to die for this show to move forward.
VO: Hey look! It’s one of the Jax boys! An it’s interesting to see Maya and her daughter have the same taste in men. But at least Maya seems like she’s the one in control of the relationship, as opposed to Olivia.
KC: OH SNAP I TOTALLY DIDN’T CATCH THAT! GH IN THE HOUSE! Also the Pope ladies love that swirl.
VO: Claire is an acolyte of Maya’s? WHAT THE HELL HARRISON? WHO THE HELL DO YOU RUN WITH?
KC: OK, I would like to talk about the “I’m Leaning In” line of Claire’s and how old girl ended up dead 10 minutes later. I LOLed because I am absolutely certain that was on purpose and was some kind of commentary on Lean In by Shonda. Black ladies, when you “Lean In” you end up dead!
VO: Jake and Olivia also do not need to happen. Olivia needs to just get the fuck out of dodge and get some friends. James was a friend, despite what you think Jake. And I feel like that Jake is justifying what he did and trying to keep himself guilt free from hurting Liv, but well, he’s in a shitty ass job that makes him do shitty ass decisions. And Jake, putting the burden on Olivia to save you is pretty much a shitty thing to do. Ain’t no one gonna save you but yourself.
KC: Jake is a hot mess and so is Olivia so maybe they can comfort each other with sex. Honestly, of her two murdering boyfriends, at least Jake isn’t a 50 year old toddler like Fitz.
VO: I wonder if Rowan did play his daughter. Rowan is totally motivated by revenge, which I love. I suspect he does love Olivia, but he’s also not afraid to use her if the opportunity should arise. “Predict my behavior accordingly,” wow. That’s pretty much a fucking warning. And I love your idea that Rowan and Maya are working deep together to get rid of Fitz. Because if someone messed with my kid like that and I had their resources? I might contemplate the same thing also for my baby girl.
KC: He said he would not touch a hair on Fitz head. So there is a lot of wiggle room. I could see him rationalizing at as him helping her.
VO: Cyrus….Cyrus just tanked the election. And how the hell is everyone that stupid when Olivia is not around? I swear, she must feel like a mom of a bunch of terrible bratty children. And Fitz can’t act like he’s better than Mellie because seriously, pot. kettle. black. Why does he even care if Andrew and Mellie are together, if he’s supposed to be so in love with Olivia? I think by this point, I’m seriously cheering for the Pope parents to kill his ass.
KC: Fitz is… I dunno what his deal is, I was watching some old scenes with him in Mellie and his declaration last week that she “shut him off” from sex is a giant crock of shit. What is wrong with him? Is he shrooming!? Earlier this season Drunk!Mellie was begging him to screw her on the dining room table. And that is only one example. Soooo… I’m gonna go on a tangent here….
There’s this cartoon, called Harry and His Bucket Full of Dinosaurs, and it’s about this asshole kid named Harry who is always whining about how no one lets him do the dumb shit he wants to do. like never take a bath, eat candy all day, win at all sports and punch strangers in the face. (I may have made up that last part.) And every episode he jumps into a bucket full of dinosaurs and hangs out with his dino friends and goes to Dino World does all the dumb shit he wants to do, and every episode he suffers greatly for his dumb ass choices; he loses his friends, or his teeth fall out, or he gets chased around by a monster or he goes to jail or whatever. Anyway, Fitz reminds me of Harry and he needs a bucket full of … something so he can hang out in Fitz World and suffer for his dumb ass choices.
VO: I think that it should be Fitz and his bucket of Vagina Dentata.
Olivia’s power play on Nelson is amazing. It’s loyal to Fitz, but I wonder how much of her speech on him is more her projecting her thing about why she can’t commit to Fitz. Her banking on Mellie is just kind of a calculated risk, if that makes sense.
KC: It was nice to see old school Liv back. I miss her. She was definitely projecting but she had her old commanding self back in that scene, and I’d love to see her use this power for something other than Fitz’s magic wang,
VO: Nelson’s whole speech is hilarious, but his whole love of power is just…not surprising in a way. But I think he also did it as a calculated risk to stay close to Mellie. Getting run out of town vs surviving the election is two different things.
KC: I think (because I am Team Mellie and a weird romantic) he did this to stay close to her and because he saw how she was delaying her own wants to the campaign, that he is doing the same. Just laying in wait.
VO: “I’m the awesome client from awesometown!” That line made me laugh hard.
KC: Me too
VO: Cyrus is probably going to drop of a heart attack. Again.
KC: Nah he’s got that in check.
VO: Ganging up on Reston makes sense. And seriously Bergen and Abby seriously have some tension, which is going to make next season interesting, but I hate the idea of breaking up David and Abby.
KC: PLEASE BREAK UP DAVID AND ABBY THEY ARE BORING AS HELLMANN’S.
VO: YOU BE QUIET. Oh Charlie — I feel him on the faithful question and the loyalty thing. He’s totally a company man. Charlie not dating people makes total sense and she’s fucked his head up with his game.
KC: I … like Charlie. You see, I am drawn to crazy and Charlie has that in spades. He’s really, really passionate about his work. Killing is more than a job, it’s an adventure.
VO: Huck the hacker — that looks like a little phone I had back in the day that was a cool slider. And Huck’s lecture on her is true on the “woman, you said you wanted it. If you want it bad, DO THIS.”
KC: He pimped out Liv, though, straight up. That was a literal “take one for the team” moment. Not that it was a hardship.
VO: Which leads to nookie with Jake. And I have to agree with Awesomely Luvvie — shout out to the camera folks, editors, etc. who managed to hide Kerry Washington’s pregnancy with artful camera angles.
KC: Yeah they honestly were not trying to pretend. They could have shot that entire scene behind a giant plant.
VO: Harrison and Huck speculating together is just grim, but I feel like those two are talking shop in a way about women woes.
KC: That was an awkward moment. Huck has gotten weird in a bad way this season. In season 1 and 2 he was damaged and nuts but had enough humanity under the surface to make him sympathetic. He was like that crazy friend that you have that is like “you need me to take care of him?” and you know he means it. Now… I feel like his damage is scary and weird. I guess it always was but I feel like his humanity is gone.
VO: See, I think we’re seeing just more layers of Huck and how fucked up he actually is — he used to hide it, but now I think everything is just so messed up he can’t help buck crack at work.
AND NOW THE DAUGHTER BECOMES THE MOTHER. Seriously, I wonder if some of this is how Rowan and Maya lived while he was command and she was a terrorist. But I suspect Maya had less heart about the whole damn thing.
KC: Maya is full on evil. Also, I don’t like her as much as I want to. I love Khandi Alexander, but I need Maya to be more than a murdering Carmen Sandiego.
VO: I don’t even know why Mellie is trying to be nice to Fitz. He doesn’t deserve it. And I wish that Nelson and Mellie talked about what Olivia’s threat was, because then at least they could talk about it or figure out things.
KC: She’s a loyal Southern wife. I would have straight up strangled him with those ties though.
VO: WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T ANDREW TALK TO MELLIE? WHY WOULD YOU NOT DO THAT? But I’m also thinking Andrew’s reaction matches earlier her brushoff.
KC: I got some Mellie and Andrew “secret-creeper-longing-in-the-hallway” fanfic in my head.
VO: MELLIE’S SLAP IS AMAZING. I LOVE IT. HE WENT GOOGLY-EYED AND IT WAS EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED AND MORE.
KC: I have never seen a real life person’s eyes google like that and i think it’s because Bellamy Young actually did slap the shit out of him and didn’t warn him.
VO: I really hope that Olivia and Abby talk more as friends. I like their little moments together. But I feel like Olivia needs that instead of talking to people who are all using her for various reasons.
KC: Yeah I miss that weird kinda friendship they have. Also, I am happy to see Abby doing more as Riker to Liv’s Picard.
VO: Why doesn’t Command and his agents have contingency plans?
KC: Between B613 and SHIELD, I have decided that fictional top-secret government agencies are run like shitty non-profits. And I speak from experience.