For our next edition of “TLF Has Bad Taste,” we cover our favorite really-bad sexy songs. If any of these songs get you in that special mood, you are definitely doing something wrong, but we can’t get enough. RL & KDC
Work for Love — Ministry (1983)
Heeeeeeey! Yes, this song is by *that* Ministry! N.W.O. Ministry! Just One Fix Ministry! Jesus Built My Hotrod Ministry! For real! Before Al Jourgensen decided to go on a hazy journey to become the father (crazy uncle?) of industrial music, and even before Everyday is Halloween/Over The Shoulder Ministry, they released an album of unmatched awesomeness, cheesiness and the best fake British accent by a Cuban-America based in Chicago ever. There are many great songs on With Sympathy, but Work for Love is notable in that it compares a romantic relationship to an employment contract. SO SEXY! She’s “taking applications” and “reviewing resumes” and he’s “working the first two weeks overtime!” In these tough economic times, this song is more relevant than ever and made for a comeback. Because you’ve GOT to WORK for love. (work, work, work, hey!) – RL & KDC
Smooth Up in Ya — BulletBoys (1989)
I am pretty sure this band never had one hit other than this song, which was barely a hit. It’s so so sleazy, and the guy (Let’s call him Bullet Boy) singing it is just revolting with his split ends and his roots and his pants. But for some reason, I always sing along to the chorus of this song, like Pavlov’s dog, every single time. It’s just that addictively catchy. I learned that BulletBoys put out a “best of” compilation – called, of course “Smooth Up In Ya.” I was surprised to learn that the compilation was not just “Smooth up In Ya” repeated 13 to 14 times. Ah well, guess it’s not the worst musical legacy to have. – KDC
Big Dumb Sex — Soundgarden (1989)
This NSFW song is a classically bad sexy song and not just for its highly repetitive lyrics. The supposed point of this song is to make fun of hair metal sexytime songs, like the song above, but it reaches new highs of near-operatic level ridiculousness. This song epitomizes the true potential Chris Cornell once possessed — and why Susan Silver after seeing him perform decided to better know him in more ways than one, by becoming his manager and girlfriend (later wife — even later former manager/ex-wife). Because – hello, Chris Cornell.
The TLF grand poobahs also used to play this song every week as the closing song on our college radio show (during safe harbour hours, but of course). We never received a complaint — or a complement, either – RL and KDC
Lollipop 2 — Big Bang (2010)
Based on the age of the other songs on this list, bet you thought the age of bad sexy songs was over? Instead the stakes have been raised! How about a song that manages to be a sequel song to another ad song, is an advertisement for a phone (no joke) and still manages to sneak in all of the innuendo one would need in a song called “Lollipop?” Then this is the song for you! They get additional points for mentioning women of (at least some) size difference, but the video with a girl in a soccer ball dress dancing coyly with a lollipop gives new meaning to “what where they thinking?”
Big Bang has managed to do successfully effective sexy songs, though mostly for the Japanese market, such as Beautiful Hangover and Top of the World. And breakout projects by Taeyang (Solar) and GD & TOP self-titled album have managed to also convey sexiness. However, Lollipop2 is a song to leave for the gym or for toddler dance time. – RL
KDC: Hey, did you notice that our initials together RL & KDC, are a bit reminiscent of GD & TOP, which really means if this blog thing doesn’t work out we really need to consider a career as a K-pop singing sensation.